Why Loving AND Effective?

without love, we cannot be truly effective.
without being effective, we cannot be truly loving.

The Loving And Effective Parenting approach is built on that reality.

Breaking it down into three steps:

Step one: knowledge.  We need to find out what we need to know.  For example: children need to be loved.  Children need boundaries.

Step two: understanding.  Knowing is not enough.  We must also understand.  Knowing children need love and boundaries will not help us if we do not understand what those two realities actually mean.  

Step three: effective action.  Knowing and understanding is not enough.  We must also be able to act effectively.  Understanding our child's love and relationship needs must become words and actions that actually meet those needs.  Understanding the need for boundaries must become words and actions that successfully set and maintain those boundaries.  

(Without effective action, our parenting will never be complete.  Turning head knowledge into effective action can be a real challenge sometimes. That's OK.  Effective action is a skill that can be learned - just like any other skill.)  

My job as a coach and teacher is to help you get through all three steps.

Improving our parenting is ALWAYS possible and ALWAYS worth it!
Even little improvements can make a huge difference for us, our children, and our families.

Parent Coaching

"I really can't thank you enough for your help in getting us to a better place. Meeting one on one with you was so helpful.
Our family is back on track and things are going great!"
-Katie Knapp

Over-the-phone parent coaching

Parenting help and encouragement does not get any more effective, efficient, and convenient than this. No travel, parking, or weather concerns. You can even self-schedule, reschedule, and cancel online. How great is that?

Meet in my office, your home, or a public place of your choosing.

Meet in my office, your home, or a public place of your choosing.

A few clicks and a little typing is all it takes to self-schedule.

A few clicks and a little typing is all it takes to self-schedule.


In-person parent coaching

Parenting help and encouragement does not get any more effective than this. While not quite as convenient as the phone, there are definite benefits to face-to-face communication. Serving the greater Westport, CT. area

Parenting Classes

“I found Mr. Shaver's parenting workshop to be so insightful and encouraging. . . . He presented his material with an ease and humor which set the tone for the entire workshop. . . Something I would recommend for all parents to attend.”  Catherine M.

“The Art of the Consequence”

Do you want to calmly handle direct confrontations with confidence, purpose, and joy? Do you want your children to take responsibility for themselves? If so, this single session class is for you. Two and a half hours of learning, laughter, and skill building.

There will be a revised version of this class starting in the fall of 2019. Check back for details.

Keeping track of our words. Where do they go?

Keeping track of our words. Where do they go?

Most of us have a few of these hanging around somewhere.

Most of us have a few of these hanging around somewhere.

“Loving AND Effective Parenting
-The Fundamentals”

This four session class will help you understand the fundamentals and how all the major pieces fit together. Each session builds on the session before. The goal is to increase and strengthen our confidence and sense of purpose with loving, practical, and effective skills.

This class will be offered again in the fall of 2019. Check back later for more up-to-date details.

My book, The Loving AND Effective Parent, will hopefully be available by the end of 2019.  

As with my teaching, the approach of this book is to establish the fundamentals first and then lay out tangible ways to achieve them.  The book covers the material outlined in the next section: "Our Three-legged Stool."  

“Our three-legged stool” has been amazingly effective helping parents
understand the fundamentals and how they support and reinforce each other.  

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Building our three-legged stool.

Relationship is the first "leg." 

Family Structure and Culture is the second "leg." 

Development & Discipline is the third "leg."  

Each "leg" has its own purpose.  Each "leg" has its own job to do.  BUT, no "leg" can do its job without the support of the other two.  If a "leg" is too weak, the stool will break or fall over.  When our relationships, family structure and culture, and development & discipline reinforce and support each other, everything becomes so much easier and so much more enjoyable.


Relationship "Loving our children"

The Heart Connection: Our children need to know they are loved.

Building Identity: Our children need to know who they are.

Relationship always comes first.  It is the foundation and heartbeat of our families. Healthy heart, healthy family.  It begins with unconditional love and genuine connections.  Everybody wants to belong to a group that loves them, protects them, and encourages them.  Our families should be the best answer for that.  More . . .

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Family Structure and Culture "Creating our Family's world"

Roles and Responsibilities: Who does what?

Goals: What are we trying to accomplish with our children?

Family Meetings and Family Rules: How will we live together?

Family Identity: Who are we as a family?

Many times our success or failure as parents happens right here, and we don't even know it.  I understand if that sounds crazy to you.  Almost everybody I have ever worked with wants to blow right by this stuff and work on relationship or discipline issues instead. I used to honor those requests until experience taught me better.  More . . .


Development & Discipline "Moving our children forward"

Principles: Eight foundational concepts                                                        

Methods and Techniques: Mastering the parenting tools we need                  

Direct, face-to-face challenges: Holding our ground and more

Disciplining our children will be significantly more difficult than it needs to be if our children are not experiencing our love and our family structure is not providing the guidance it should.  Our discipline simply builds on what has come before.  Another way to make things harder: trying to "make" our children behave.  That is not our job.  That is our children's job.    More . . .

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putting it all together 

Relationship: Do our children feel loved?  Are they experiencing our love?  Are our parent/child relationships helping or undermining our parenting efforts?

Family structure and culture: Has our family structure established understanding, and hopefully agreement, on all the important issues as well as any new issues?  

Development & Discipline: Is our child outmaneuvering us?  Are we in control of our own behavior?  Do we know which methods and techniques to use and when?  Do we have enough mastery of those techniques to be loving AND effective?  More . . .