That’s not our job!
Have you ever tried to “make” a child behave even when that child has no intention of behaving? I know I am not the only one who has ever tried that. During these moments, it seems like the harder we try to make a child do something, the more that child resists. Or the more we try to prevent or stop a child from doing something, the more that child becomes determined to do it. And how about his one? Sometimes, the child simply ignores us like we are not even there. Moments like these can overwhelm even the most loving and well-intentioned among us.
I have watched frustrated parents resort to everything from pleading, nagging, lecturing, and arguing all the way to scolding, shaming, yelling, demanding, and even threatening. That is what tends to happen when we try to “make” our children behave. I have tried all of these approaches in moments of desperation. The thing is - I don’t remember these kinds of confrontations ever working out very well. Even when they do manage to produce a quick or temporary victory, it does not feel like a victory. It feels hollow. It feels like nothing has really changed. That is because all of these approaches are trying to accomplish the wrong thing.
“Making” children behave is not our job! That is our children’s job. It is their job to make themselves behave, not ours.
Our job is to make sure our children understand their job, accept their job, and actually do their job.
I love watching parents react when I tell them, “Making children behave is not our job. That’s their job.” When they realize I am serious, the questions are quick to follow. And so it begins - the challenge of raising children who understand their behavior, attitudes, and choices are their responsibility. Once we fully grasp the difference between making our children behave and helping our children make themselves behave, raising children with good and kind hearts, strong and dependable character, and great life skills becomes much more likely.
Most of the parents I work with love the idea of children who make themselves behave, even if they are a bit skeptical at first. Not having to make their children behave would be such a huge relief. It would be like a dream come true. But, before anyone gets too carried away, we have not just stepped into some magical Hallmark movie. Our children are not going to make themselves behave just because we want them to. They need our help. They need our encouragement and guidance. They need us to lovingly and effectively hold them accountable for their behavior, choices, and attitudes. Our children are depending on us to do our part so they can do theirs.
So, how does this work in real life? How do we get our kids to make themselves behave? Well, that is a big part of what the whole rest of this book is about. But first, let’s take a quick look at four ways trying to make our children behave just messes things up.
1) The Wrong Battle
When we participate in trying-to-make-our-children-behave battles, we actually legitimize those battles in the eyes of our children. We have inadvertently reduced parenting to a battle of wills or a game of wits. The unspoken agreement: we are going to try to make our children do what we want them to do, and they are going to try to do what they want to do. The battle of wills and the game of wits has begun.
The child’s focus is no longer on being responsible and doing what is right. The focus is now on outmaneuvering the parent and winning. The question is no longer, “What is the right thing to do?” Or “What should I do?” The question is now, “What do I want to do? Or “What can I get away with?”
2) The Wrong Message
When we try to make our children behave, we end up communicating the wrong message. Most children will internalize the meaning of our actions as, “I don’t believe in you. I don’t believe you are smart enough or capable enough or good enough to do the right thing. That is why I need to make you do it.” That is the last thing we want rolling around in our children’s heads.
When we help and encourage our children to learn how to make themselves behave, we communicate the opposite message. “I believe in you. I believe you are smart enough, and capable enough, and good enough to figure this out and do the right thing.” That is exactly the kind of thing we want rolling around in our children’s heads.
3) The Wrong Result
There are real consequences when we try to make our children behave. Our parent/child relationships can take some significant hits in these battles. Our children’s identity can take some significant hits from words spoken in the heat of the moment. It is so easy to let hurtful words fly out of our mouths when we are angry and upset. And that is only the beginning. Because we have not made any real progress - these cycles are going to keep repeating themselves. There will be a next time and a next time and a time after that.
4) The Wrong Target
Behavior is important, but what drives that behavior is far more important. Behavior is a surface issue. What drives that behavior happens internally below the surface - in our children’s hearts and minds. That is our real target. That is where we must connect. That is where we gently and firmly hold our children responsible for their behavior. They must learn how to manage their own actions, attitudes, words, and emotions.
Our children have to do this internal work themselves; we cannot do it for them. If we keep trying to make our children behave, we are actually preventing them from doing that necessary internal work. We are robbing them of the exact kind of opportunities they need to develop their own internal “muscles.”
A better approach is to develop & discipline our children in such a way they have to figure things out, they have to take responsibility for themselves, and they have to direct their own behavior. We calmly, firmly, and lovingly provide all the guidance, encouragement, motivation, and accountability they need to do exactly that. For example:
Imagine this scenario with me. Ten minutes ago, we let our seven-year-old daughter know it’s almost time to get ready for bed. Now we ask her nicely to put her Legos away and get started on her bedtime routine.
“MOM, I AM NOT FINISHED WITH MY CASTLE! I CAN’T TAKE IT APART NOW. THAT’S NOT FAIR!”
We do not react or say a single word. We remain calm while quickly accessing the situation. What we are feeling is not important. What is she feeling? What is she thinking? When we are ready, we speak.
“That is a great castle. I can see why you want to finish it. It must be so frustrating to run out of time. I tell you what. I will put the castle on your desk. You can work on it tomorrow after school. I can’t wait to see how you finish it. The rest of the Legos need to be put away in the next five minutes.”
“I DON’T WANT TO PUT THEM AWAY. I WANT TO FINISH MY CASTLE!”
We get down on her level and look her right in the eyes.
“I know you want to finish your castle. I am so sorry you ran out of time. That must be really frustrating. Leave the castle on the floor and I will put it on your desk when I return. I will be back in five minutes.”
“BUT MOM, I WANT TO FINISH MY CASTLE!”
“I know. See you in five minutes. Love you.”
We turn and leave giving her some space and time to figure out what she is going to do.
Let’s take a closer look at what just happened.
We acknowledged the child’s feelings first. By being aware, empathetic, and understanding, we greatly increase the chance of a meaningful connection with the child even in this challenging moment. We also greatly increase the probability of cooperation. Trying to overpower, correct, or ignore a child’s feelings almost always ends up being unwise, unkind, and counterproductive.
We did not get sucked into any arguments or power struggles. This situation has nothing to do with our will or her will. This is not an us versus them situation. There is no conflict that needs to be won. We say what we need to say and nothing more. We calmly move things forward while keeping the responsibility where it belongs - with the child. We do not nag or shame or repeat ourselves or raise our voice or react negatively in any way. Putting the Legos away is our daughter’s responsibility. What she does with that responsibility is up to her.
We did not try to make her do anything! Instead, we let our daughter choose what she will do. We will respectfully honor her choice either way. If she picks up her Legos, we thank her for being cooperative and taking good care of her things. If she does not pick up her Legos, with no negative words or body language, we will calmly take them and make them inaccessible for three days. (Before we return the Legos, our daughter will need to show us she is ready to take better care of them.)
Bottom line: it is up to her to get control of herself and her emotions and make good decisions. That is the internal work I was talking about before - the work only she can do. We need to let her do that internal work on her own without disrupting or interfering. We simply provide the opportunity and our loving support.
Most parents, once they get the hang of it, find this kind of an approach significantly less stressful, much more satisfying, way more relationship friendly, and infinitely more effective. If we communicate clearly and always follow through, our children will figure it out pretty quickly - we expect them to be responsible, and we are more than willing to hold them accountable.
Try not to get distracted by how we will handle situations that are far more challenging than putting favorite Legos away. We will work through that in the Development & Discipline section. For now, try to get comfortable with the reality that making our children behave is not really our job. That is our children’s job. Our job is to make sure they do their job. If we don’t do our job, how will our children learn how to do theirs?
*Our children’s behavior is always their responsibility, but there are some obvious practical considerations we need to consider. What about when an infant, toddler, or child is not actually capable of managing their behavior in a specific situation? What if what we are hoping for is beyond their abilities? The short answer: we need to adjust our expectations.
And what about those children who are normally cooperative and well behaved, but at the moment, they are simply too tired, too hungry, or too upset to get control of themselves? The short answer: we accommodate them, and we make appropriate allowances. This is not a time to stand our ground in the name of discipline. This is not a “teaching” moment. We simply help the child get through the situation with the least amount of drama.
These concepts are simple enough, but the reality is not always so obvious. Knowing what our children are actually capable of requires intentional and consistent observation over time. Many times it comes down to our best guess. When in doubt, we have to decide if we are going to back off or push in.
No matter what we decide, we should never allow a child to believe they are not responsible for their behavior because of any excuse. The last thing we want a child thinking, “I am not responsible for my behavior when I am too tired, hungry, or upset.” Or a teenager, “I am not responsible for my behavior when I am drunk or really upset or any other such thing.” Our children need to know they are always responsible for their behavior no matter what.