Why Loving AND Effective?

I think almost everybody would agree parents should be loving.  I also think most people would agree parents need to be effective, but probably not quite as enthusiastically.   I know this is a simple generalization, but if we go back a number of generations, those responses would have been reversed.  Good behavior, proper manners, and the child’s character were the main focus.   Recent generations have shifted that focus significantly towards relationship, connection, and the child’s happiness.   Focusing more on relationship and connection is a wonderful and welcome change, but if effectiveness and accountability get lost, we have gone too far.  And, it turns out that trying to keep a child happy all the time leads to a place where nobody is happy, not even the child.  Without gratitude and some self-control happiness never lasts. We will address that later in the book.

Let’s take a quick look at the two sides. 

The loving side: our children need to know they can depend on us and our love for them no matter what.  That is the foundation we want to build our parent/child relationship on.  We need to truly connect with our children and make sure they feel valued and loved.   We do that by intentionally, consistently, and unconditionally loving them in big ways and small.     

The effective side: we need to teach our children how life works.  We need to teach them what responsibility is.  It is our job to help them develop good and kind hearts, strong and dependable character, and effective life skills.  We do that by teaching, training, mentoring, and modeling what we expect from them.  We do that by respectfully and firmly holding them accountable for their behavior, attitudes, and choices.  

I have worked with parents who are determined to be loving.  I have worked with parents who are determined to be effective.  Both groups usually end up pretty frustrated until they become determined to be both.  It turns out both parts, being loving and being effective, actually strengthen and reinforce each other.  When we do it right, they compliment and complete each other.

When we heavily favor one side over the other, or if we are simply too weak on one side - the opposite happens.  Instead of strengthening and reinforcing each other, the avoided or weaker side will actually sabotage and undermine the other side.  The following is what I have observed over and over again when the two sides are way out of balance:    

On the effective side: these parents are fully committed to being strong and successful disciplinarians.  They are determined their children will behave well no matter what.  Control, obedience, and appearances tend to be valued more highly than relationship and connection.     

Unfortunately, many of these parents end up pretty bent out of shape when their children openly defy them, actively resist them, go completely passive-aggressive on them, become withdrawn and/or turn completely away from them (depending on the their temperament and how bad things are) - all because these children do not feel loved or valued.  The anger, resentment, and hurt the children feel are real and can grow quite deep - all because their parents seem to value their behavior and accomplishments more than they value them.

On the loving side: these parents are determined to love their children no matter what.  They can be the sweetest, most gentle and well-intentioned parents in the world.  Relationship and kindness tend to be valued much more highly than control and obedience.  Confrontation tends to be avoided.     

Unfortunately, many of these parents get their hearts broken when their love and kind gestures are swallowed alive by their children’s disrespect and defiance - all because these parents are ineffective.  It is almost impossible for a child to respect a parent who is really ineffective.  That in turn, wreaks havoc with the parent/child relationship - the very thing these parents want most.

We can get into deep, deep trouble when we will do almost anything to keep the relationship pleasant.  We don’t want any ugliness between us and our children.  We don’t want to be mean; we want to be nice.  We can picture it in our heads.  Our children will be sweet, and we will be loving.  We want them to be happy.  We want them to feel good about themselves.  When they misbehave or mistreat us, we will “love” them into a better place and avoid conflict.  

As wonderful as that sounds, it does not actually work in real life with most children!   

Trying to “love” our children more will never make up for an inability to develop & discipline them effectively.  

That might sound a little harsh, but this is simply too important to not speak plainly.  We need to remember relationship has its purpose and development & discipline has its purpose.  Loving our children unconditionally and allowing unacceptable behavior are two very different things.  If we truly love our children we must address their unacceptable behavior.  This is not an “or” situation – love or discipline.  It is an “and” situation – love AND discipline.  Unconditional love and effective accountability need to happen together.  They go hand in hand.

Many parents think holding their children accountable for their behavior, attitudes, and choices will add significant strain to the relationship.  That is only true if we make a mess of it by being unloving or ineffective.  But, if we can manage to be both loving and effective, consistently over time, the exact opposite happens.  

Disciplining a child lovingly AND effectively takes a tremendous strain off the relationship for both the child and the parent.  

There is a reason for that.  It does not matter how hard children push back against their parents or what they say in the heat of the moment.  Deep down, every child wants parents who love them and can handle them easily.  It makes their world safe, consistent, and dependable.  It keeps them safe from themselves.  It protects them from having to handle situations that are beyond their abilities.  

Getting there is not always so easy.  The children have to work their way through moments of frustration and disappointment.  We have to work our way through uncomfortable confrontations.  But much more important than everyone’s momentary discomfort and unhappiness is that we be the parents our children need us to be.  Over time, the parent/child relationship tends to get stronger and healthier. 

Another way to look at this:   

Effective parenting is so much better for the child, so much better for the parent, so much better for the family.  Everybody wins.  The parent’s love can flow freely.  That love embraces the children with the security, structure, and guidance the children need to flourish and thrive.  The children become more responsible, capable, and well-adjusted.  Deep down everyone is happier - even the children when they are doing their least favorite chore.  

Ineffective parenting is not good for anyone.  Ungrateful, poorly behaved children are not happy children.  The parents of ungrateful and poorly behaved children are not happy parents.  Everybody loses.  The parent’s love gets lost in the chaos, and so does the security, structure, and guidance the children need to flourish and thrive.  It is significantly harder for the children to develop into responsible, capable, and happy adults.  Nobody is truly happy - not even the children when they get their way.

And yet another way to look at this:

Children who are parented effectively and lovingly are much more likely to trust and accept our discipline and guidance.  They are much more likely to cooperate willingly.

Children who are parented lovingly and effectively are much more likely to engage with us in respectful and loving ways.  They are much more likely to accept our love and love us in return.   

The bottom line: parents who are committed to both sides do significantly better than parents who noticeably favor one side over the other.  

That reality is simply too important to push aside.  All of us need to be aware of how we are doing with this.  Are we devoting ourselves to the loving side and letting the accountability side slip away?  Do we push the accountability hard and struggle with demonstrating unconditional love?  We need to find our healthy balance.  The intent of this book is to help us excel at both sides so we can find that healthy balance for our families.  

Remember the freedom I mentioned in the introduction?  The freedom that comes with being both loving and effective?  All of us can experience that freedom for ourselves if we put our minds to it.  It might not come easy, but it will always be worth it.  

Our ultimate goal when it comes to being both loving and effective, “My parents love me like crazy no matter what, but they won’t let me get away with anything!”  That is exactly what we want rolling around in their precious little heads.