Consequences vs Punishment
Consequences are a parent's best friend. I’m not kidding. When we master consequences, parenting becomes much less stressful and a whole lot more fun. Once we get the hang of it, we will save ourselves all kinds of time, energy and hard feelings. Turning conflict into cooperation and progress will become our new normal. Staying calm and speaking with confidence will become much easier.
That’s the good news. Here’s the bad news - it is really easy to make a mess of things when using consequences. Consequences are a proven and wonderfully effective parenting tool, but if we use that tool inappropriately or without understanding and skill, we will definitely get some bad results. Unfortunately, there are lots of different ways to screw up consequences, but these three are the ones I run into the most: using consequences as punishment, using consequences as threats, and not following through with a consequence. That last one, not following through, absolutely guarantees failure, but we will get to that later. In this section, we are going to work our way through the first one: using consequences as a punishment.
I have run into quite a bit of confusion and disagreement concerning consequences and punishment. Most of the trouble seems to come from the many different ways the two concepts are defined. Some parents and even some parenting books use them interchangeably. That is unfortunate. If we are going to use consequences effectively, we must make a definite and clear distinction between consequences and punishment. The following is what I tell the parents I work with.
Consequences are not punishment! Easy enough to say, but the reality is a bit more complicated. We can easily deliver a consequence as a punishment if we are not careful, especially if we are frustrated and upset. It is also pretty easy to structure a consequence like a punishment if we have not made a clear distinction between the two. Let’s take a closer look.
Consequences are focused on specific goals. These goals are the life skills and character traits, as well as, the family values and rules we have already established in our family structures. Consequences are designed to help our children take responsibility for themselves and master those goals. Our consequences should always be directly connected to that larger plan and purpose. That is what gives our consequences real legitimacy and authority. We are not just randomly applying consequences because we are unhappy with our children’s behavior at the moment.
Consequences should always move a child forward towards one of those goals. Punishment tends to look backward. Punishment rarely focuses on developing behaviors or moving a child forward. Punishment usually focuses on - a bad thing happened and somebody is going to pay for it. If we slip into a punishment mentality it usually feels something like this - what can I take from you, how can I cause you some pain, how can I make you pay for what you did? Our unspoken agenda: I will make you regret what you did, or how you treated me! When using consequences this way, we can easily end up giving out punishments that are too harsh, much bigger than the misbehavior, and/or not connected to the misbehavior in ways that help the child learn or change.
Unlike punishment, the purpose of a consequence is not to make children pay for their behavior. The purpose of a consequence is to get children to learn from their behavior. We don’t want them to pay, we want them to learn! That is the heart of it right there. An effective consequence holds a child responsible for his behavior until he figures it out, takes responsibility, and directs his own behavior appropriately. That kind of learning and change can only take place on the inside - in a child’s mind and will. A well setup consequence makes that necessary connection by getting through to the inside. Punishment, on the other hand, is a like blunt instrument pounding away at a child’s behavior from the outside.
It can get confusing because consequences might also result in a loss or some pain, just like a punishment, but that is not their purpose. Their purpose is to demonstrate real-life cause and effect so our children can learn how life works. Life is filled with cause and effect and consequences both good and bad. That is why consequences are usually logically connected to or directly related to the misbehavior. We present our children with a carefully set up cause and effect situation. That’s all a consequence is really. We give our children the opportunity to experience that cause and effect, and hopefully they will figure it out and adjust their own behavior as necessary. That learning from experience is our goal, not the loss or pain.
What might this look life in real life? The following four examples include consequences delivered and structured as punishments as well as those same situations handled more appropriately.
“Go to time out right now! I have had it with you! You stay there until I say so!” (Punishment)
“Oh my. I can see you are upset. You need to calm down. Take a time out. I will set the timer. You can take more time if you need to. See you when you are calm and pleasant.” (Consequence)
“I am sick and tired of your bad attitudes and horrible habits. No more TV! No more computer time! I am so angry with you right now! Why don’t you do anything you’re supposed to?” (Punishment)
“It seems like you have been getting into some bad habits with your chores and homework lately. That needs to change. Remember our talk about establishing good habits? Chores and homework are supposed to be done by 8PM. So from now on - no more TV, computer, or screen time until you have done your daily chores and homework first. Let me know when you are done, and I will check your work. After a successful week of checking in with me, we will revisit this arrangement.” (Consequence)
“What is wrong with you! Riding your bike without a helmet even though I told you a million times not to! Give me your phone right now! Go clean up the back yard. If I find one dog poop, you will be pulling weeds all Saturday. (Punishment)
“You know you are not supposed to ride your bike without your helmet. Because you forgot your helmet, the bike will be locked in the garage, and I want you to write down some good ideas to help you always remember your helmet. After dinner tomorrow, we will talk about your ideas, and if all goes well, I will unlock your bike.” (Consequence)
“Don’t you ever talk to me that way. Do you hear me! You are spoiled and ungrateful. I am not driving you anywhere! No soccer and no sleepover tonight at Alison’s! Go to your room right now and don’t come out. (Punishment)
“I love driving you to your games, but I won’t this time because I felt really disrespected by the way you asked me. Better call your friends and see if you can get a ride. And don’t forget, you need a ride to Alison’s sleepover tonight. I am available if you ask me nicely. Oh, and if your friends can’t give you a ride, I could maybe give you a ride like a taxi driver, not as your mother. That ride is five dollars paid up front.” (Consequence)
As you have probably already noticed, delivering a consequence as a punishment usually has a lot to do with frustration and big emotions being aimed right at the child. What do you think that looks like and feels like from a child’s point of view? Consequences delivered this way are usually received as an attack or retaliation of some kind. Children know when they are the target. That usually triggers a strong emotional reaction, and the original issue gets completely lost in those feelings. The child is no longer thinking about: I need to calm down, I need to do my homework and chores, I need to remember my helmet, I need to ask nicely.
Instead, the child’s emotions usually become fixated on how unreasonable, unfair, and mean his or her parents are. I have talked with many of these children. It is amazing how often their only takeaway from this kind of interaction is, “My parents are jerks, and I am really mad at them!” Honestly, what do you think that child is feeling or saying in her head about her mother as she picks up dog poop? Learning and progress rarely happens in these types of situations, and the bad feelings can remain for days and even weeks.
How about the more appropriate consequence examples? What do you think they look like and feel like from the child’s point of view? Can you imagine those consequences being delivered calmly and respectfully with very little emotion and energy? Did you notice in the examples specific goals were targeted (instead of the child): develop the ability to calm yourself down, train yourself to do your homework and chores before 8PM, figure out how to remember your helmet, learn how to ask me nicely. Most children will accept consequences delivered this way, even if they are not happy about them. If we are kind, encouraging, and firm, the child can stay focused on the original issue and figure out what she needs to do. Learning and changed behavior will follow unless . . . we just can’t help ourselves and fall back into any of the “parental poisons.” That will blow up all our good work and any chance of progress.
Consequences and punishments come from two very different places. We need to get ourselves in the right place before we start handing out consequences. If our emotions and frustrations are driving a consequence, if we are trying to cause our child loss or pain, if we are trying to retaliate - we have slipped into punishment mode. That consequence is going to be delivered as a punishment. We are not in the right place.
If we are reasonably calm and clear-headed, if the consequence is focused on moving our child forward towards a specific goal, if we are hoping the best for our child - we have a very good chance of delivering that consequence appropriately. We are in the right place.
Our children figure out pretty quickly which place we are coming from, and they will respond accordingly. Bottom line: how we deliver a consequence has a huge impact on whether that consequence will be successful or not. But that is only the half of it. How we structure that consequence is the other half. Let’s take a look.
Purpose and control. We do not have to look any further than that. Purpose and control are the two essential elements that determine how a consequence is structured and how a punishment is structured - what is the intended purpose, and how is the control shared.
We have already talked about how the intended purpose of a punishment is to make children pay, and the intended purpose of a consequence is to get children to learn. The focus of a punishment is usually limited to how the children will pay, how much they will pay, and for how long they will pay - loss of privileges, working it off, being grounded, etc. The focus of a consequence is on a specific behavioral or developmental goal we want our child to achieve in the near future. It is absolutely essential the selected goal is known and an integral part of the consequence. (Don’t forget, an appropriate consequence might also include loss of privileges, working it off, being grounded, etc., but they serve a different purpose, especially when it comes to control.)
How we share the control with a child in a consequence makes all the difference. If we don’t share any control at all, that consequence is most likely structured as a punishment. In that kind of a situation, the child has been given no responsibility or any way forward. The message is, “You will serve your time or pay your debt and there is nothing you can do about it until your sentence is complete.” The reality, of course, is a little different. The child can resist, fight back, go passive aggressive, or accept the punishment.
It is much more effective to structure a consequence so the child has some control over how things play out. That provides real motivation and that all-important way forward. Having some control and a way forward gives the child a chance to actively engage in the process and actually do something. Working through the original issue is the perfect opportunity for the child to figure things out, make decisions, take responsibility, and make things right. That is how, when, and where the learning and positive change takes place. (Sometimes, taking this process a step further can be surprisingly effective. Invite and encourage the child’s participation when figuring out what consequences might be appropriate. More on that later.)
In the four punishment examples, the child is given no control to directly deal with the original issue or influence the final outcome. There is no positive or learning opportunity to pursue because the parent has taken complete control. Children rarely learn anything in those kinds of setups. Unfortunately, these kinds of situations tend to keep repeating themselves over and over again unless the parents change their approach.
Now look at the consequence examples. In each one, the child is given some control and independence over what happens. The child is given a way to move forward towards the selected goal. The child has to figure things out, make decisions, and follow through on those decisions. That is exactly what we want to happen.
In the time out example, with the exception of the time on the timer, the child has complete control over when he returns. He gets to decide when he is ready. The selected goal: learn how to manage your strong emotions and become calm and pleasant again. If that goal is beyond the child’s capabilities, we will need to help with some strategies and training when the child is ready to learn. Notice there is no shame or judgment by the parent.
In the chores and homework example, the children have been given complete control over when they can have screen time again - as soon as they finish their chores and homework satisfactorily. If they do well that week, they will probably be allowed to have screen time whenever they want as long as they get their homework and chores done before 8pm. The selected goal: learn good habits and self-discipline when it comes to your chores and homework.
In the bike helmet example, the child has been given until dinner tomorrow to figure out how to always remember his bike helmet. In this case, that is also the selected goal. When the bike gets unlocked, the child has complete control over whether the bike is ever locked up again - by always wearing his helmet. (If the child did not wear his bike helmet on purpose, the consequence is still presented the same way. There is no good reason or any possible benefit to accusing the child of intentional wrong doing in this situation. If we are wrong, he will just hold it against us. Instead, we give him the benefit of the doubt and lock up the bike. If he forgot to wear his helmet, or if he decided not to wear his helmet on purpose - he will figure it out either way. If I want to ride my bike, I have to wear my helmet.)
In the ride to soccer example, she has already lost the privilege of being driven to the game by her mother, but there is the possibility of getting a “taxi” ride for five dollars. She can get a ride from her mother to the sleepover if she asks nicely. As in all the other examples the child has been given an opportunity to think, make decisions, and take control of her own behavior. If I don’t ask my mom nicely, she won’t drive me anywhere. If I want a ride, I had better ask nicely. Simple as that. What the child does with that kind of control is up to her.
Thinking and making better decisions is exactly what we want our children to be doing. If they are not thinking and trying to resolve these situations, we should not expect any progress or positive change. The following story was told by a mom in a weekly parenting class I was teaching in New York City.
The mom could not wait to share with the rest of the class a situation that happened with her hyper-active young son. This son was always a bit wild, even in the apartment. Her relationship with her son was always on edge because of his high-energy and careless behavior. She was exhausted and frustrated by the constant battles.
One day he managed to hit one of his mother’s prized orchids with his plastic baseball bat. The orchid did not handle it well. The flower was split and torn up pretty badly. This mom loved her orchids. With great pride she showed the class her orchids with her phone. They were beautiful.
Before taking the parenting class, she admitted she would have yelled, scolded, lectured, and definitely punished. This time she tried the new approach to consequences she had just learned in last week’s class. She stayed as calm and respectful as she could and handed the responsibility back to her son. “What are you going to do about that? How are you going to make that right?” That alone freaked her son out. Where was the yelling? Where was the anger? Where was the punishment? Instead, she gave him some time to think it over in his room.
She could hardly finish the story without getting really emotional. Her young son came to her with a very serious look on his face. He had obviously given this some deep thought. He thought maybe they could tape the flower back together, and he slowly held up the roll of Scotch tape he had found for them to use.
It was all the mom could do to not burst out laughing or crying. She had to turn away. She did not want to embarrass or humiliate her little man. She could not believe what she was seeing. Here was her wild and careless son with tape in his hands - so serious, so tender, so hopeful. He knew how much his mom loved her orchids. This was new territory for him. Up to this point, he had never really thought about the damage he caused with his careless actions. He had never thought about fixing things or making anything right. Being yelled at and punished never made that kind of a thinking or caring connection for him. The mom and her son kept moving forward until they had an agreement that covered prevention as well as appropriate consequences should this happen again.
That is exactly the kind of breakthrough an appropriately delivered and structured consequence can lead to. Punishment rarely produces that kind of thinking, awareness, empathy, or desire to change. That is why we need to be careful and make sure we do not slip into a punishment mentality with our consequences. Those results will not be pretty. Many parents have found the following questions helpful.
Am I focused on payback or helping my child learn and develop?
Are my words targeting the child or addressing the behavior?
Do I have a specific goal in mind?
Have I given my child some control and a way forward?
Hopefully, this look at consequences and punishment will keep you mindful of the differences between those two. There is so much more to consequences than this, but that will come later. For now, just remember consequences are not punishment. That’s a great place to start.