If it is our children’s job to “make” themselves behave, what do we do?
We help them do their job. That is our role; that is our responsibility. We give them all the love, guidance, encouragement, motivation, resources, security, and accountability they need to do their job. But that's as far as we go. We are not supposed to do their job for them, but that is exactly what we are doing when we try to make our children behave.
When we try to control and force our children's behavior, we are taking away responsibility that belongs to them. How are they going to learn to behave and be responsible if we are not really giving them any choices or opportunities to try? We have taken their responsibility and made it our personal project instead of theirs. This does not mean we step back and leave them to struggle alone. We still help. But we calmly and firmly keep the responsibility where it belongs, with our children.
Now, before you object, I know. I know children do not start life able to take responsibility for their behavior, attitudes, and choices.
So, how do we close that very real gap? We walk our children toward personal responsibility slowly, carefully, and intentionally. We pay close attention to their development and watch for understanding. As they are ready, we hand them pieces of responsibility they can handle. Then we hold them accountable gently, firmly, and consistently.
We stay true to the premise: Our children are responsible for their own behavior, attitudes, and choices. The earlier we establish that pattern, the better. If we are already behind, we can always recover and get back on track.
Why am I pushing this responsibility thing so hard? Because I have seen the profound difference it makes. I have seen what happens when we rob our children of their responsibility. I have also seen what happens when we give that responsibility back to them.
I have watched frustrated parents resort to pleading, nagging, lecturing, and arguing, all the way to scolding, shaming, yelling, and threatening. I have tried all of these myself in moments of desperation. Even when they produce a quick win, it feels hollow. Nothing has really changed.
That is because trying to manipulate or force compliance fights the wrong battle, sends the wrong message, uses the wrong style, and aims at the wrong target.
1) The Wrong Battle
When we try to force our children to behave, parenting becomes a battle of wills. We try to make them do what we want, and they try to do what they want. Their focus shifts from owning their behavior to figuring out what they can get away with. And the responsibility quietly shifts to us.
Paul warns, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger" (Ephesians 6:4). In the same breath, he calls us to bring them up "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." Authority, yes. A battle of wills, no.
2) The Wrong Message
When we try to make our children behave, they often hear, "I don't trust you to do the right thing, I don't believe you have what it takes to do the right thing, so I have to make you do it." That is the last thing we want rolling around in their heads.
When we hand them responsibility and hold them to it, they often hear the opposite message. "You are capable of becoming trustworthy. I love you. I am here to help you, but I will not carry your rightful load." That is how God disciplines his own children, because he loves them and they belong to him (Hebrews 12:6–8).
3) The Wrong Parenting Style
"Making" children behave is the heart of authoritarian parenting, where compliance matters more than relationship. Research consistently links it with poorer outcomes for children. Authoritative parenting, with clear boundaries held within a warm relationship, is consistently linked with better ones.
God holds both together: steadfast love and real accountability. "The LORD reproves him whom he loves, as a father the son in whom he delights" (Proverbs 3:11–12). That is why I named my practice The Loving And Effective Parent.
4) The Wrong Target
Behavior matters, but the heart drives behavior. That is the true target. "Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life" (Proverbs 4:23). In Scripture, the heart is the center of thought, will, and desire.
We cannot manage our children's hearts for them. They have to learn to manage their own thoughts, emotions, actions, and attitudes. Our discipline and structure work like scaffolding: outside support that holds things up until they can stand on their own.
When we get the hang of loving and effective discipline, our children start carrying their own load. They become less confrontational. They take greater ownership of their behavior, and they do much more of the work. We get to set down a burden that was never ours to hold onto, and we shift into the role of encourager, mentor, and coach, which is way more fun than trying to "make" a child behave. We end up spending more of our precious time and energy enjoying our children.
Yes, there will still be times when we have to enforce boundaries. But that becomes the exception, not the rule, in a home where everyone, parents included, takes responsibility for themselves.
Our deepest hope is that our children will know and follow Christ for themselves. From that relationship grow good and kind hearts and strong and steadfast character. We cannot produce that in them, and we definitely cannot force it. They cannot produce it on their own either. Heart change is God's work: "I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you" (Ezekiel 36:26).
So each of us has a part. We cultivate the soil. Our children respond. God transforms. We all have our jobs to do.