1) The value of our words
Children evaluate our words differently than we do. We usually focus on what we want or expect our words to accomplish. Our children usually test our words against reality. Young children, and most children until around 11 or 12, are concrete thinkers. What they experience with their senses shapes what they believe to be true far more than the words they hear. As far as a child is concerned, words may or may not be connected to reality. What actually happens is what counts. That means the value of our words depends on their connection with the reality our children experience: weak connection, low value; strong connection, high value. Children ignore or resist low-value words, and they pay attention to high-value words.
God’s words always carry full value, because they are always connected to reality. “Has He said, and will He not do it?” (Numbers 23:19). Jesus asked the same integrity of His followers: let your yes mean yes and your no mean no (Matthew 5:37). When our words and actions line up, we give our children a small picture of a God whose word and deed are one.
Example 1: Jimmy is playing with his Legos on the family room floor. His buddy John comes over and asks if Jimmy can ride bikes.
“You can go as soon as you put your Legos away,” his mom says. “I have a friend coming over.”
“Can’t I put them away when I get back?”
“No, put them away before you leave. Thank you.”
Jimmy starts fooling with the Legos. His mom gets a phone call and leaves the room, and Jimmy skips out with John, leaving the Legos all over the floor. His mom finds them and, with her friend on the way, puts them away herself. When Jimmy gets home, she gives him a stern lecture about obeying and keeping the family room clean. She ends with, “Next time you will have to clean up your Legos. And I mean it!”
What did Jimmy actually experience? He didn’t have to clean up his Legos, somebody else put them away, and he had to listen to a lecture. That is what he will remember, so next time he will probably try to skip it again. Without realizing it, his mom is training him to tune her out. She may see defiance, but Jimmy is simply following the reality he has experienced instead of her words. What value do you think Jimmy gives his mom’s words?
Now play it another way. Jimmy skips out just like before. His mom sees the Legos, checks that she has time before her friend arrives, and walks down the street.
“Jimmy, you didn’t pick up your Legos. Time to come home. Sorry, John, Jimmy has to go home now.”
At home, she stands by him until every piece is put away.
Now what does Jimmy’s experience tell him? He does have to clean up his Legos. His mom will follow through. Her words and reality are connected. She is training him to listen, and her words will gain value over time, until he pays quick attention even when she speaks softly. What value do you think Jimmy gives his mom’s words now?
Example 2: Sarah is sitting on the couch with her iPad. It’s Thursday, her night to feed the dog between five-thirty and six. It’s almost six-thirty, and her mom has asked her five times in the last twenty-five minutes. Sarah knows without question it’s her turn. She just doesn’t want to do it.
“Sarah, how many times do I have to tell you? Feed the dog, now!”
“I will, Mom! Just a minute. I’m almost finished.”
“That’s what you said ten minutes ago!”
Her mom comes into the den and screams, “I HAVE TRIED TO ASK YOU NICELY. IT IS ALMOST SIX-THIRTY. DO IT NOW!”
As Sarah puts down the iPad, she yells back, “Why do I have to feed the stupid dog? I never wanted that thing.”
Sarah sulks past her mom, rolls her eyes, and goes to feed the dog.
What value had Sarah given her mom’s first five requests?
Did the screaming finally get Sarah moving? Her mom thinks so. If this scenario is typical, it didn’t. Kids usually know the value of our words in any given moment. Until the screaming, Sarah knew she had time to stall. But she also knows that once her mom starts screaming, she has one, maybe two more chances before her mom actually does something like take away her iPad or require her to feed the dog for five days in a row. Sarah avoids that point of action like a seasoned pro.
The coming consequence that normally followed her mom’s screaming was what got Sarah off the couch (the “actually doing something” part), not her mom’s words or her yelling. This repeating pattern is training Sarah to ignore or resist until just before an actual action.
Unfortunately, Sarah’s story follows a very common sequence:
A calm request
An agitated request
An angry demand
A disrespectful response from the child
Threats or highly emotional language
Open, ugly conflict
Finally, some kind of action
In my parenting workshops, many parents, including me, have told stories on themselves. (The last one is mine.)
“When my voice jumps an octave, that’s when my children start scrambling.”
“Apparently my left eye starts to twitch when I reach the crazy point. That’s when my children pay attention.”
“When the veins in my neck and forehead started to pulsate, my children knew something was about to happen.”
Notice what our children were paying attention to: not our words, but the signs that action was coming. Many of us had to get pretty frustrated or angry before we would actually do something, and by then we were no longer in control of ourselves. We had a good laugh at ourselves and vowed to learn a better way.
The thing is, we will keep getting caught up in these kinds of scenarios if our words have little or no value. That’s where it all starts. The bottom line: if we want to be effective parents, our words have to have value. If we want to be loving parents, our words have to have value. Low-value words don’t have the power or authority to accomplish anything good. They can push us towards escalation, and escalation damages relationships. Paul warns parents not to provoke their children to anger (Ephesians 6:4). Escalation does exactly that, and it provokes us too.
As you have probably figured out by now, one of the best ways to destroy the value of our words is to not follow through after we have clearly communicated our request. (More on how to turn that around in the Application section.)
Here are some other ways we can lower the value of our words:
broken promises
threatening
scolding
shaming
nagging
constant reminding
lecturing
pleading
bribing
yelling
All of these things make us look weak and ineffective. Some of them simply bore our children or wear them down. Others, like threatening, scolding, and shaming, actually wound. All of them undermine the value of our words and the health of our relationships.
So, what should we do?
When our words aren’t working, STOP TALKING. I don’t know how else to say it. Every ineffective word we speak lowers the value of all of our words. Keep talking long enough, and the value of our words becomes zero. At that point, effective parenting becomes almost impossible.
Scripture has been saying this for a long time. Proverbs warns that where words multiply, wrongdoing is never far behind (Proverbs 10:19). James tells us to be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger (James 1:19). That is good counsel for any parent in the middle of a standoff.
Instead, we need to look at our words the same way our children do. What do our words look like and sound like from their point of view? What value do they have? Do our children have any real reason to listen to them?
If we want our children to listen to us, we need to carefully build, maintain, and protect the value of our words. We need to think before we speak. Are my words kind? Are my words clear? Are they helpful? Are they connected to reality? Am I willing to stand by each and every one of them? Will I back them up with action if necessary?
Paul gives us a good filter: only words that build others up, fit the need of the moment, and give grace to those who hear them (Ephesians 4:29).
If we recorded our words, what would they sound like to us in hindsight? In the heat of the moment, it is way too easy to spew misguided words in every direction. We have all been there.
If some of this is hitting a little too close to home, I want you to be encouraged. God’s mercies are new every morning (Lamentations 3:22–23), and so are our chances to start again. We can retrain ourselves. We can become effective with our words. That journey starts by becoming aware of what is coming out of our mouths now. Are our words effective or ineffective, high-value or low-value? Are our emotions doing the talking instead of calm reasoning? The goal is to understand what is actually going on right now, not to judge or condemn ourselves. And then we can start increasing the value of our words carefully and intentionally.
There are no magic answers here. There are no easy formulas. If you want to speak more effectively with your children, I would encourage you to ponder the big picture presented in this website first. What are we actually trying to accomplish? And then, to really work on your effective speaking strategies and skills, dive into the Application section of Development & Discipline.
That will be time and effort well spent. The higher the value of your words, the more loving and effective your parenting will be.