3) Sharing control
First, we need to realize that sharing control with our children is not optional - it is a necessity. Think about the big picture for a moment. Before our children leave home, they need to be able to successfully handle almost complete control over their lives. Considering the fact that they start life with virtually no control over their lives, a lot needs to happen before they set out on their own. Are our children going to be ready? They won't be if we have not been consistently handing over more and more control to them over the years. We need to be quite intentional about this, and the earlier we get started the better.
Our children's innate desire for greater and greater control is where the opportunity lies. That strong drive is all the leverage we need to move things forward. What do I mean by that? Our children want more control. We want them to learn how to successfully and responsibly handle more control. We simply bring those two desires together.
The idea is to let our children know more control is available to them; they just have to earn it. Within reason, it should be up to them how much control is given. As long as they maintain a good attitude, they can earn more control by being responsible, capable, and trustworthy. We start by taking advantage of situations that occur naturally.
For example:
“So, you want to make your own chocolate milk? Well, making chocolate milk is kind of tricky. It is so easy to spill things. The milk container is so heavy. Do you really want to try it?
“Uh huh.”
“Can you reach the chocolate?”
“No.”
“So you will need some help then. Can you get the milk?”
“Yup.”
“OK. If you want to make your own chocolate milk, here’s the deal. If you spill you have to clean it up and do a good job. If you are not old enough to clean up spills, you are not old enough to make your own chocolate milk. What do you think?”
“I wanna make it.”
“OK. What if you spill?
“I have to clean it up.”
“There's one more thing. It's OK and even normal to get upset or frustrated when learning new things - but if you act out in any way, I will know you are not ready to make your own chocolate milk. So what’s the deal for you to make your own chocolate milk?”
“I have to make myself calm, even if I get frustrated.”
“Very good. Do you still want to try?”
“Yep!”
“OK then. I’ll get the chocolate. You get the milk.”
Our goal is to have a consistent process for how new areas of control are turned over to our children. We definitely want this process well established before the teenage years. It is an absolute game changer. But, it's never too late. I have helped parents introduce this process in the middle of active teenage pushback with great success.
These four steps have worked quite well:
Consider capability: Look at the actual capability and maturity of the child. Do not forget to account for learning curves, honest mistakes, and the failures that usually precede success. Keep in mind that all children are different and progress at different paces.
Establish conditions: Clearly set the conditions that make this release of control acceptable to you - always include a good attitude.
Secure agreement: Have the child repeat those conditions out loud and agree to them.
Treat it as a privilege: This new area of control is given as a temporary privilege, not a right. If there is any attitude or trouble concerning the new area, the child loses that privilege. The burden should always be on the child to maintain it.
This approach is one of the most effective ways to help our children learn how to self-regulate, be responsible, and learn new life skills. We simply harness their innate desires with helpful boundaries. If we don't hold those boundaries, the whole thing falls apart. Yes, it will take some real patience and effort at first, but once this process is established, it will be our children who are putting in most of the work.