“Parental Poisons” 

Once we understand that “making” our children behave is not our job – we probably have a little parental housecleaning to do.  Anything that does not help, gets in the way, or just makes a mess of things should be thrown out.   That includes pretty much all of the approaches that try to “make” or force our children to behave.  

I wish that was as easy as throwing junk into a dumpster, but it is not.  Every parent I have ever met, including myself, hangs on tightly to some of these things.  We tend to use them when we are frustrated, angry, over tired, or we simply do not know what else to do.  Sometimes, we are not even aware we are doing them.  That is why we should toss them.  If we keep them hanging around, we will keep tripping over them.  This is no time to be a hoarder. These things have got to go away if we intend to move forward with our parenting. A partial list:

Nagging

Scolding

Shaming

Humiliating

Judging

Arguing

Yelling

Lecturing

Demanding

Threatening

Slapping

Anything passive aggressive 

  Holding our children’s behavior against them

I actually call these things “parental poisons” because that is exactly what they are.  They “poison” every parent/child interaction they are a part of.  They are not respectful.  They are not loving.  They are not hopeful.  They are not helpful.  Our children respond poorly to these types of approaches for a very good reason.  It is not because they are defiant or there is something wrong with them.  It is because they are human - and all humans respond poorly to these types of approaches.  

Don’t believe me?  Go through the list one at a time and consider how much you enjoy being on the receiving end of any of those things.  No cheating allowed, you have to be honest.  How do they make you feel?  Do any of them make you want to behave better?  That is the key to all of this.  Do any of them make you want to behave better?  What kind of emotions and feeling do these approaches really generate?  Think about that for a moment. Chances are, our children feel the exact same way we feel about these things.  

That is why they must go.  They are not helping.  Usually, they make things worse.  We must accept and make our peace with that simple reality.  Just think of it as throwing out nasty old stuff we never really liked anyway.  

Most parents never look back once they master better and healthier alternatives.  Relationships and cooperation usually improve dramatically once these “poisons” are gone.  Family life becomes significantly more satisfying, pleasant, and purposeful.  Everyone is happier.  Once again, try not to get too distracted by how we will make all this happen.  Instead, try to imagine a “poison free” household.  Dream a little.