Unconditional Love: Our children need to know they are loved no matter what.       

Nurturing Identity: Our children need to know who they are. 

Getting this right is one of the greatest win-wins of parenting. Loving our children is not only the right thing to do, it is also one of the most practical and productive things we can do. When our children experience our love, everything becomes much easier.  When our love does not get through, everything becomes much harder.  There is no way around that reality, no matter how much we might wish there were.  

When parents approach me with child discipline issues, we look at the relationship first.  In my experience, this can save parents countless hours of unnecessary conflict and frustration later. I'll be honest, some parents resist.  But that resistance usually disappears as relationships improve, conflict fades, discipline becomes easier, and family life is noticeably more pleasant - for everyone!  

Children who feel securely loved tend to respond to discipline and life in general with more acceptance and resilience. Children whose need for love and belonging goes unmet tend to resist discipline, act out or withdraw, and healthy development becomes more of a struggle.

Nobody is going to talk me out of the practicality of a healthy parent-child relationship. But there is so much more. A loving and healthy parent-child relationship is a beautiful thing to behold, and an even greater thing to experience.  The potential for that deep satisfaction, contentment, and joy is always there. 

Of course, this whole relationship thing would be so much easier if we didn't have to do it with real children. Life with kids moves fast and gets messy, and before we know it, we're wondering where all our good intentions went.  Hang in there. The relational foundation you're building matters enormously. Remember that on the hard days.

Wherever you and your family are right now - whether you're thriving, struggling, or bouncing around somewhere in the middle - understand this: your relationship with your child is the primary engine driving your parenting. Our children need more than our presence; they need a connection with us that's genuine and real - one where they know, without question, that they belong, they are loved, and they are valued.

So how do we do that?

It is way too easy to let this whole relationship thing become more complicated than it needs to be.  Yes, relationships can be complicated, but as a parent, we only have to focus on two related goals:  

Loving our children unconditionally.
Nurturing their identity.

Simple? Yes. Easy? Not really. We must be intentional and determined on a daily basis. Is our love for our children truly unconditional? Are we purposefully nurturing their identity?

Now before anyone panics - we don't have to be perfect. We are going to mess things up. We are going to fail our children from time to time, but that's OK - as long as we get back up, forgive ourselves, repair what we can, and refocus.

We always regroup around our two relationship goals: unconditional love and nurtured identity.

I want you to be encouraged. No one is in a better position to transform your parent-child relationship than you.

For a deeper look into these concepts and how they shape your family's day-to-day reality, click below:

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Unconditional love, Identity, and the Seven questions (a practical tool to get started)