Seven Relationship Questions

Remember our two big relationship goals: unconditional love and nurtured identity?  We need to make sure our children actually receive and accept our love, and we need to make sure their identities are developing in a healthy manner.  The purpose of this section is to give us a deeper understanding and some tools to do exactly that.  

To keep things a little more manageable, I have combined a hundred or more pages of psychology into seven questions.  These questions are designed to give us a better feel for what our children really need from us.  Each question presents a different aspect of our heart connection and identity building.  Each question targets a single issue only so we can focus on that one issue all by itself.  When added all together, they give us a pretty complete picture of what our children need from us.  

Read through the seven questions and their short clarifications.  Try not to focus on your relationship with anybody just yet.  That will come next.  Instead, listen to the questions themselves.  What is the heart of the matter for each question?  Notice how they overlap and reinforce each other.

1) Does your child feel you love him unconditionally?
Does he feel your love is given freely and committed to his well-being?  Is that love something he can depend on no matter what?  Or, does he feel your love is given only if he meets certain requirements: good grades, good behavior, success in sports — and withheld when they are not.

2) Does your child feel you are a safe place she can come to no matter how much she has messed up or what kind of trouble she is in?
Does she come to you or hide from you when she has messed up or is in trouble? Can she trust your heart enough to approach you safely, or does she feel she needs to hide parts of herself and her life from you?

3) Does your child feel you are delighted he is yours and you enjoy being with him?
This comes from a different place than unconditional love and it produces a different affect.  Not only do you love him, you really like him. You love that he is your child, and it gives you joy to be with him.

4) Does your child feel you know the real her?
You see, hear, and acknowledge her feelings, concerns, and dreams.  Or, does she feel you don't actually "see" her.  

5) Does your child feel you accept and support him as he really is, or does he think you wish he were different?
Are you pushing your own agenda on your child? Are you looking for who he actually is, or who you want him to be?

6) Does your child feel you think she is a capable, competent human being with a hopeful future?
You believe in your child's abilities and potential. You believe she has what it takes to succeed in life.  Or, does she feel you have real doubts.

7) Does your child feel you believe in him enough to let him try, struggle, and become more independent?
Do you give him room to attempt hard things, make his own choices, and recover from his own mistakes - or do you micromanage and hold on so tightly the message becomes "I don't really trust you or your abilities"?