The Rod

The Christian parenting world is divided over corporal punishment, striking with the rod, and what the Bible says about it. I have personally lived on both sides of this important and divisive issue.

No matter how hard they try, neither side can present a definitive scriptural answer. I've spent hours looking for one, and it doesn't exist. There are many passionate and illuminating answers out there, but none that settle this question once and for all. So I'm not going to pretend to have the final word. Instead, I'm going to share my personal resolution as a Christian father and parenting coach.

There is so much history, practical application, and meaning behind shevet, the primary Hebrew word for the rod, including authority, protection, responsibility, and guidance. Because of the intense focus on whether or not to strike a child, much of that gets pushed aside or used only to support one camp or the other. That's a shame, because too many Christian parents don't clearly understand their God-given authority over their children. That causes problems on both sides of this issue.

So yes, the parenting proverbs leave room for different perspectives and interpretations. But one proverb is hard for the non-corporal punishment camp to get around, and it's the one the corporal punishment camp tends to lead with:

"Do not withhold discipline from a child; though you strike him with the rod, he will not die. You shall strike him with the rod and rescue his soul from Sheol." (Proverbs 23:13–14, NASB)

There's no real way around that passage. The most straightforward and defensible reading of the Hebrew involves using the rod to strike.

So how did I end up in the non-corporal punishment camp?

Decades before I ever thought about helping parents, I was a gung-ho Christian father of four. I took this whole Christian parenting thing very seriously. I read the more traditional, pro-corporal-punishment books, and at one point we had a wooden spoon (the rod) dedicated to corporal punishment, like so many other families in our church. I spanked all four of my children. I followed the rules carefully: never spank in anger, always reconcile afterward, and so on. There was some short-term success, but I don't think I was changing any hearts and minds.

Then came a moment with my daughter that changed me. With all the confidence those Christian parenting books had given me, I became determined to fully confront and break her willfulness. I told myself I was doing it for her eternal benefit, but part of me simply wanted to crush her resistance once and for all. Those books had taught me to see it as a battle of wills, and I absolutely had to win this battle. As I summoned up all my earthly powers, I believe the Holy Spirit opened my eyes. I have no other explanation for it. In front of me sat a third-grade girl, my daughter whom I love deeply, looking at me with confusion, fear, and possibly betrayal. What was I doing? I knew deep in my spirit I was wrong. I didn't yet know how or why, but I knew I was completely off track. I walked away pretty rattled.

Since then, I have read well over 100 parenting books. Some are definitely more useful than others, but the only ones I would call destructive are the Christian parenting books that advocate breaking a child's will through the rod or other corporal punishment to save them from themselves, the very kind of books I once tried to follow. The more I learned about Scripture and about God's heart, the more uneasy I became with them. Something was off. Something was missing. They seemed to have stopped short of the full revelation of God's heart, a heart of compassion that runs through the whole Bible, not just the New Testament.

God's revelation did not end with the Old Testament. Jesus came, a new covenant was made, and the New Testament was written. The New Testament still calls parents to discipline their children (Hebrews 12), but look at the heart Jesus showed toward children. In Mark 10:13–16, He rebuked His disciples for keeping children away and took the children into His arms and blessed them. That posture is very different from the harsh one in those books.