The Three Steps

A quick history and explanation with an example:

Many of us believe that if we can just find the right information, that’s all we’ll ever need as parents. As long as we know what we’re supposed to do and why, everything will be fine. If things don’t go well, we’ll simply find better information.

That approach works well for a few of us, but for most of us, it does not. For us, knowing what we are supposed to do is not the same thing as being able to actually do it. James saw this long ago: “prove yourselves doers of the word, and not just hearers” (James 1:22). For example: we might know we’re not supposed to yell at our children, but that doesn’t mean we can hold our tongue in the heat of the moment.

This disconnect became clear to me in my seven-session parenting classes. The parents were excited about what they were learning and couldn’t wait to try it out at home. But many of them came to the next class frustrated. When I checked in with them, they remembered what they’d learned just fine. That wasn’t the problem. The problem was they couldn’t make it actually happen in real life with their children. Something was missing.

So I turned the three-step model into questions:

Step one: Knowledge — Do I know what I’m supposed to do?
Step two: Understanding — Do I understand why? Do I know what I’m trying to accomplish?
Step three: Effective action — Do I have the skills and confidence to actually do it?

The first two steps happen mostly in our minds, and parents grasp them easily enough. But that third step — it’s a beast. We have to get out of our heads and deal with the real child right in front of us — crying, screaming, pouring milk on the floor, having a tantrum, ignoring us as if our words made no sound at all.

No wonder so many of us retreat back to steps one and two, hoping for some kind of magic answer that will help us overcome step three. We think we have an information problem, but we really have a skills problem, and most likely a confidence problem as well. Effective action requires skill — and if we don’t have it, more information cannot help us.

Here’s the good news: we’ve all conquered step three before. If you can tie your shoes, drive a car, or ride a bike, you’ve already gone from knowledge to understanding to effective action. Parenting works the same way — it just asks for an unusually wide range of skills that we have to apply to a moving target.

Let’s walk through this with the yelling example I mentioned before. I wish I could say I never had this problem, but my kids might read this page.

Knowledge: According to pretty much everybody, we are not supposed to yell at our children — even though they sometimes do really stupid, aggravating, annoying stuff. Yes, we can yell at them if they’re about to run into a busy street. Otherwise, no yelling. That’s the knowledge piece. Simple.

Understanding: Knowing we are not supposed to yell at our children isn’t enough. We need to understand why. Yelling can wreak havoc on the relationship. It can make a child doubt our love. It trips everyone’s fight-or-flight response, and nothing good happens after that. It chips away at identity. It makes us look weak and unstable. It shuts down learning. And it doesn’t even resolve the issue. Paul put it in one line: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, so that they will not lose heart” (Colossians 3:21).

Effective action: Knowing and understanding why we shouldn’t yell is still not enough. We have to actually stop yelling — in real life, in real time, with a real child. That starts with a decision: “I will stop yelling at my children.” (“I will yell less” doesn’t cut it.) Without a clear decision and commitment, effective action is dead before we even get started.

Picture it: your child just knocked over the same lamp for the second time today. The three hundred and forty-two times you told her to stay away from it explode in your mind. You want to explode. You want to yell. You can feel it rising up.

This is no longer an academic exercise. This is real. The next five seconds will decide which way this goes. There’s no time to review steps one and two — you already know what you need to know. You already made your decision. Knowledge and understanding can take you no further than that. What is going to come out of your mouth? What is your body language going to say?

This is the moment of truth, my friends. Do you have the skills and emotional control to respond calmly? If not, you’re going to yell. There is no mystery to solve here — without the skills, we won’t overcome the behavior. (If you’re easily and intensely triggered, that’s worth looking into on its own — otherwise it will keep sabotaging your efforts to build these skills.)

So what do we do? We develop the skills. Scripture calls it training: “discipline yourself for the purpose of godliness” (1 Timothy 4:7). God gives the grace and growth, and we do the practicing. That means figuring out better responses, then rehearsing them in our minds and in real life until they become second nature. Practice in front of a mirror, with your spouse or a friend, or with a parent coach. The next time a real-life opportunity comes up: be self-aware before you yell, breathe a quick prayer (“Lord, help me”), get control of your emotions before it’s too late, engage the thinking part of your brain, and act like the calm parent you’ve rehearsed being. Don’t worry, your children will give you plenty of chances to practice.

Actually, that’s the best way to look at it: my child just gave me yet another opportunity to practice responding calmly without yelling. That shift in attitude takes the edge off and makes success far more likely. Skill development takes time and repetition. Lots of repetition — but the payoff is always worth it.