3) DEVELOPMENT & DISCIPLINE "MOVING OUR CHILDREN FORWARD"
Development and discipline are two sides of the same coin. That's why I join them with an "&." As we move forward, you'll see how deeply they mesh with each other. The sooner we connect them in our minds, the better. That's the first step toward switching between them instantly, and even using both at once.
The Bible already joins these two concepts. Musar, the Hebrew word most often translated "discipline" in Proverbs, covers training and instruction as well as correction. So does paideia, its New Testament Greek counterpart, which is the word the Greek Old Testament uses to translate musar.
Premise One: our children are responsible for their own behavior, attitudes, and choices.
"Making" our children behave is not our job. That's our children's job. Loving and effective discipline does not settle for compliance or mindless obedience. The real goal is thoughtful obedience that comes from their own internal motivation and from heart transformation — the kind of heart change God wants for both us and our children. So, if we are not supposed to "make" our children behave, what are we supposed to do? read more
Premise two: Our children are responsible for their own learning and development.
Learning and growing are their job, not ours. There are two ways we can make this harder for our children: pushing them too hard or rescuing them. Pressure tends to produce resistance or anxiety, and doing too much tends to produce dependence and stalled development. Loving and effective development invites real engagement and ownership, and makes room for the growth God is working in them. So if we're not supposed to pressure them or carry them, what are we supposed to do? read more
The Principles: five essential concepts
1) The value of our words
Many parents do not realize they are actually training their children to tune them out. That happens when our words don't line up with reality - empty threats, consequences that never happen, promises not kept, etc. Our children figure out those words don't have any real impact on their lives. If that keeps happening over and over again, they stop listening altogether — not out of defiance, but because we taught them to. read more
2) Target the behavior, not the child
The easiest way to turn a simple behavior correction into an ugly conflict is to drag the child's identity into it and make it personal. We've all been there. So, how do we avoid that trap and correct the behavior without the drama and the damage? read more
3) Sharing control
For most parents, power struggles over control are one of the most common areas of conflict - especially during the toddler and teenage years. But, with the right approach, we can turn our children’s desire for more control into a huge opportunity. read more
4) Accountability
There is a lot of misunderstanding when it comes to holding our children accountable. Parents do all kinds of things in the name of accountability, but many of those things can miss the mark. Punishment is always a miss. Even consequences can miss the mark if we set them up poorly. Yelling, arguing or any kind of a power struggle is a complete miss. So what does hit the mark? read more
5) Modeling
One of the biggest unforced errors we can make as parents is not modeling the behaviors we expect from our children. Trying to teach without modeling is like trying to paddle a kayak upstream against a strong current. Modeling what we are teaching is like paddling downstream - nature is doing most of the work for us because children are wired to imitate. read more
The Application: Dealing with real children, in real life, in real time.
There's a reason the development & discipline leg comes last, and a reason application is the last part of it: successful discipline depends on everything that came before. All by itself, discipline cannot overcome strained relationships or a weak family culture - trying to discipline a child without that foundation makes this painfully obvious. The good news is there are techniques and strategies that can strengthen your relationships and family culture while moving your children forward. read more